Back To School: A Letter To My 14-Year-Old Self
(Reprinted with permission from the Millennial Rabbi at rabbibortz.com)
For most middle and high school students the new year begins this week. Here are five tips I hope will help navigate your busy school life, and none of them have to do with getting good grades. These may not apply to all of you, but they all apply to my ninth-grade self :)
1) Fun vs. Happiness
It’s okay to call parties, risk-taking and wild experiences fun & exciting, just as long as you don’t expect to achieve happiness through them. Happiness isn’t acquired through one event or person. It’s more subtle.
Happiness is what’s left when the party’s over. True happiness isn’t a bunch of people laughing and yelling at a party, it’s an inner contentment that comes naturally as a byproduct of living a meaningful life. It’s knowing that you’re going in the right direction on the long road to actualizing your potential. So have a good time, but just remember that it’s the little things—the good moments you work for and that take time to get—that matter most in the long run.
2) Friends & Family
It may seem obvious, but when choosing your friends try and hang with real people who actually care about you (I’m not talking about the people you nod to in the hall or who you wish you were friends with). Real friends value you for who you are.
My primary ambition in school was making friends with popular people and becoming loved by everyone. But these “friends” were fickle and their friendship came at a cost. It’s crazy how we might agonize over the opinion of someone who will never speak to you after high school ends and doesn’t really care about you now either, all the while ignoring our parents and loved ones who, while we may find annoying, deeply care about our happiness. Always remember who really worries about your wellbeing, and that those who do are precious. Be good to them. Express that love openly. Who knows how long we will have the fortune of being able to do so?
3) Give Back
As we all know school can be super competitive and completely consuming. It’s easy to spend all of your time focusing only on homework and after school activities (this includes Netflix and Snapchat by the way), but I encourage you to find a bit of time in your schedule to give to those less fortunate. Choose any project or club that speaks to you, or create your own.
Helping those in need puts life into perspective. Getting into college seems less of an awful dilemma when you realize that many people don’t have the opportunity to enjoy the most basic comforts of life, let alone a college experience. It’s easier to get depressed when we’re self-absorbed. If life is only about me, so if things aren’t going perfectly, what’s the point? But what if life’s not only about what you need, but more importantly about what you’re needed for?
Giving back is more than a volunteer event or two – it’s a mentality. We have endless opportunities right in front of us every day: Help someone at school who struggles in class or in making friends. Even a quick smile can be amazingly powerful for someone. We have no idea the power that adding positivity in another’s life can have. A nice comment on someone’s Instagram can brighten their day and remind them that they aren’t alone.
4) Life Is Fragile & Precious
4) Life Is Fragile & Precious
I’ve watched young friends and acquaintances die from drug overdoses, suicide, and other premature ways. Life is fragile, especially at this age. All I thought about in high school was the immediate, that my wellbeing was assured and I was untouchable. That I would live forever—regardless of the risk involved.
These impulsive feelings actually make perfect sense based on Scientific research: The teen brain is unique. It thinks primarily with the amygdala—the emotional side of the brain, while adults think with their prefrontal cortex—the part that responds to situations with good judgement and a focus on the long-term consequences of an action.
It takes until your mid 20s for the prefrontal cortex to fully develop. So, until then, remember that this moment will pass and your life has a lot ahead of it—if you play your cards right. One momentary error in judgement can have a big impact, even if you don’t see it right now.
There were countless times in high school when I put myself in danger, where one wrong move could’ve had dire consequences. I remember one Saturday night during senior year when I broke up a fight. I chastised myself for weeks for not hitting the bully earlier to protect my friend better. Three years later I read in the news that the same bully had beat someone to death. Turns out that impulse I had might’ve been shortsighted.
Ask yourself if experimenting with hard drugs will be worth the risk to your brain while it’s still developing. Is that emoji on your text message while you’re driving worth it? These are all decisions you must make for yourself. Just remember to keep an eye out for the bright future that awaits you beyond this moment, and the loved ones who care for you more than you might care for yourself. Know that elderly millionaires & billionaires would give up their fortune to live just one more healthy day. Being alive is the most precious gift of all.
5) It’s All Going to be Fine!
Feeling sad or a bit depressed is, sadly, quite normal. But, based on everything we just said about how the teen brain primarily sees only the immediate reality, it’s easy to feel hopeless—that the pain we’re going through right now is forever. But I’m here to tell you that it will pass! There’s SO many better life experiences on the other side of your teen years.
Didn’t get that date with your crush for the homecoming dance? A truly loving relationship may be awaiting you in the future. Got a B- on the History test you expected an A in? Trust me, it won’t impact your long-term happiness, and definitely not the sales pitch you’ll make for your business when you’re 25. The key is only that you continue to try and grow every day. Some do that through academic excellence, while others grow their skills in business, the arts, or something else they’re passionate about.
Yes, do your best in school and try to succeed in all your endeavors; not only for college but because it builds your mental strength, perseverance and responsibility. But also follow your inner passion and creativity and don’t let school define you. As a matter of fact, don’t let any one skill define your worth—grades, romance, sports, or how skilled you are at gaining followers on social media.
You have an intrinsic, infinite value. So, treat yourself with love. Then give that love to others. What we like most about other people is when they’re happy with who they are—not trying to be someone else but just being themselves while being nice to others and showing they care. Why be someone else when you are a unique light that the world has never seen before? That’s why you had to be born—without you humanity would be incomplete.
Remember to trust the process, that every detail of your life is being carefully watched over with love, with a special plan in store for you. Remember that there’s ALWAYS light after the darkness: The darkness is only there to lead you to an even greater light afterwards.
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